For the longest part of my life I’ve been really good at cleaning myself up. Only today I realize that, that was probably not the best way to go at it. The problem with this approach to life is that when you fail one of two things happen.
- You keep on failing again and again and again, which is true if you look at anyone who tries to clean themselves up.
- You get super disappointed the whole time and it puts you in a cycle of negativity and depression.
Today I sat down really disappointed. Not just because I try too hard, not just because I felt negative, not just because I’ve failed again. Oh no, this was something way bigger than just failing at something. It was something way bigger than disappointing an old friend. It was something way bigger than just me.
You see when you fail someone else, you can still get away from it, because you can withdraw yourself from the friendship in extreme cases, but once you fail yourself, you are pretty much stuck with you. READ THAT AGAIN. In the end it’s just you and God again, no other people. No one you can run to, talk to, or anything like that. It is simply you and God and He’s waiting.
So I sat down extremely disappointed, I don’t think I’ve ever been this disappointed. After a while I started questioning why I’m in this negative/guilt cycle once again. I mean God’s word clearly states that He is not here to condemn or judge us (John 3:17), so why am I feeling like this again?
Well I believe it is because I keep on struggling with the goodness of God. You see He is good and I’m just not, BUT because He lives in me, He is making me like Him and I’m struggling because He’s just that good. A while back while I was driving the one afternoon, I felt compelled to ask “How good does God get” and this is the one question that my mind cannot even begin to fathom.
I realized this afternoon that I can get mesmerized by small things and that is called Wonder. By wonder we overcome the seriousness of life. When you are full of wonder you become childlike. Child likeness is a key to the Kingdom of God and by the word of that Kingdom we overcome.
I guess I’m just sick and tired of cleaning myself up. It’s like a graphic kinda novel to me and it has a redemptive ending.