If I have to be completely honest with you all the time, it would look a lot like I’m a mess, but how could that even be possible for someone who looks like they have it all together? The truth is I’m not being fake! The truth is I’m on this beautiful journey of process. I’m learning what it looks like to love.
It’s about the time of day where the sun is just breaking through enough for you to see it, but not enough to call it sunrise yet. I guess they call it break of dawn. I’m on my couch again and it’s a lot like the previous year about the same time as now. Thinking about what this year is going to look like. Decisions flood my mind, and it’s not necessarily a fun process, but it’s definitely so worth it. I’ve grown so much over the last couple years, and it’s not just other people who see it, I can see it.
When I look back at 2015 it was a good year. I made so much new friends, internationally and even locally. I moved to a different continent. New/ no friends was my arrival scene. I moved into a new apartment. Work was something I wasn’t allowed to do. New cultural differences started rising up. One thing is sure though, through all this newness, the real me came forward. Everything that I knew got stripped away. My family and friends, my home country, my passions, everything. This was so good and painful in the same tension, because finally for the first time in my life I didn’t have anything or anyone that I could base my decision making on anymore. This absolutely forces me to make my decisions for me and no one else.
The best me will emerge out of this process, because I get to discover what I really want and not what anyone else wants for me.
This is a really tough time, because simply stated, it put me in this place where I didn’t want to invest my time into anyone or anything anymore, because I got afraid that I will end up hurt again when the friends I made moved back to wherever they came from. I recently read this book called “Keep Your Love On” by Danny Silk, where he talks about how to create healthy community with the best boundaries (There will be a blog about it later this year.) for your heart. Reading this book and listening to an old friend made me realize that being in this place is totally not good. I’m shutting off a part of my heart just because I feel like it, and that’s the very thing that I needed to not do. I never ever have permission to turn my love off.
I got confronted by this question: “Did you learn how to love?” Because love is a free choice, the benefits can only be fully experienced when it is freely given, without any conditions. God can not work this out for you. He can fix and work out anything for you, but this: “Have you learned how to love?”
Investing in people is one of the biggest signs of love, especially when they can’t give or do anything back for you. Fear can only be displaced by love. Although God cannot force you to love, He can fill you with it, and He will always fill that role if you seek Him for it. Learning to not go to people first anymore but directly to God to meet our needs are a big deal.
Love looks like something:
“Love is not fractured. It’s not a troubled mind. It isn’t anxious. It’s not restless. Love isn’t passive, and surely never disengaged. It’s always present, because it hangs on every word it says. Love keeps it’s promises and it keeps it’s word. It honors what’s sacred. It’s vows are good. Love isn’t broken and it’s not insecure. It is not selfish, it is pure.” Love is the light scaring darkness away.
How will you go about this year? Learning to love is a process. It will take our whole life to perfect it. So, it’s okay to sometimes feel like we have failed at it. Make love and connection your goals this year. Connection seeks to understand above anything else. It seeks to understand above being right. Let yourself be beautiful this year. Let yourself heal. Look in the mirror and accept yourself. Accept who you see! You are the only one who can choose to love and accept you!
“Did you learn how to love?”